My life, as told by me

I'M UP AT CAMP
YOUR CAMP IS MINE
I'M UP AT CAMP
SHE'S DOIN' FINE!

hahaha. ooooooohhhhhhh kids in the hall.
summer couldn't have come quicker.
training week.
some drama on the go.
got to run.
camp people say hi.
AND FRACKIN VISIT THIS YEAR!
Pixé

I am so thankful that I have been given the opportunity to go and learn on my own.
Having said that, I am frustrated with people, as a product of being sad for them.
I don't understand a lot. I'm quite naive. But I am still hungry to learn, and quite open-minded to other people's thoughts and perceptions of the world.
I will title this,
My 'World Perception' Rant
Our perception of the world influences so much of what we do. I have come to realize that the world is not half as scary, or out to get me, or out to kick me when I am down, as I had thought. The world is a happy place, and people really, really aren't judging my every move. (Oh ya we all say it but to fully experience it is another thing. let's face it here people, many people are not that accepting in society. Hello highschool.) And it's okay for me to look after my own needs, both emotional and physical. I should not put other people's needs ahead of my own, and I should not put my obligations ahead of my own (though sometimes I do because of lack of organizational skills, but I put myself back on track.)

My parents' views, along with my family's views, along with a few friends' views, along with the guy whom I had been seeing all semester's views had all been dark, fearful ones that made the world out to be a terrible place where everyone was out to get you, and people wanted to hurt you on purpose.

I feel so sad for them. I can't change their views, though I have tried in the past (haven't we all?). I tried helping them. But they wouldn't let me in. They were so intent on protecting themselves, because they were and are so afraid. At the same time, they are so intent on setting themselves up for heartbreak, emptiness, isolation and hurt. I took on responsibility for their pain and suffering, and god knows I tried, I tried to help them. But only they can help themselves. They have to want to change, they have to want to understand concepts and world views seperate from those that they were raised off of. There are so many closed-minded individuals in the world, made so from the influences of other people looking to protect themselves because they were hurt, and so on.

It hurts so much to have to walk away from that for self preservation. It hurts so much when many of them are those whom I have grown up around, those whom I have loved, those who have shown me that there is so much life and beauty and happiness out there, even when their own perception is so distorted to hate the world that we live in. I have had to ask for space with many of them, and many of them have judged me, berated me to being "just like them" because I ask for this space, no matter how I explain that I am not leaving them, and just need them to respect my space. I have tried consistently afterwards to show them that they haven't lost me, but they don't want to see. And I can't make them see. I can only hope that one day they will want to see, or one day they will miss me, and feel that it's not worth it to put our relationship on the line because they don't want to give me said space. They just can't see the difference between space and the absence of a relationship.

This is not my battle though. I have said, time and time again, "I want a relationship, and I am here when you are ready for it." I trust that they will come around eventually. A few have actually come to realize it, and come around. Not many, but a few. Some it will take longer than others with, and some may never actually do so at all, not because of me, but because of their own views.

That doesn't mean that I don't care for them. That doesn't mean that it won't hurt, but hopefully I will have the safe amount of distance required to prevent myself from taking on such negative views and feeling guilty and responsible because I can't fix their pain. I am a good person, just as everyone is.

I will constantly be trying to learn how people view the world, and view themselves in relation to it, and I will constantly try to maintain an open mind, as it is a little bit of everyone's world views that shape our reality. This may be hard to do when I am old, but I am determined to do it.

It is for those people who choose not to understand, because they believe that it is not possible in the world that they live in, that my heart goes out to. For it is when we give up trying to understand that our perception of the world limits us from reality. And I believe and endorse this entirely.

Kind of negative, but I like to stick to the positive side of it, which is why I have questioned EVERYTHING about my life this year.
:)

Establish and discuss a budget for next year with my father (he's good at these things. Helps me organize a lot.)
Establish and discuss a budget for the summer with my father (see above)
Move some Zor things to T-dot for camp prep
Get my taxes in (I don't owe, they owe me. Still, I want that money asap)
Make a list of what I want to bring to camp
See/Drink with/Make and idiot out of myself with Sam and Melissa
Get a meeting with my counsellor
Set up some appointments before school starts
Do at least 4 workouts
Do 2 explorations
Get my hair done
Reach some more emotional stability with the thousands of things that are buzzing around in my life! GRAH!

right, that thing.
Life's become bearable again. After a long time of reflection, I now know that there is a lot that I need to say to other people- not to apologise, because there is nothing for me to apologise for. You may think that stubborn, I mean we all have things to apologise for, but I know now that this is not it. The growth, and the path that I chose halfway through this semester was not a mistake, so I regret none of it. Seperating myself from those that are hurtful to me is not a crime. Now it's just a matter of establishing a time to say what I need to. I tend to write letters when there's something that needs to be said- and a lot of counselling says that I don't have to give out these letters- and sometimes it's best that I don't because they can be hurtful. But I have developped a better editting process when I need to- and want to- say something, and make the decision of choosing what needs to be said.
So, I give you, the lessons that I have learned this year (to the best of my recollection)
1) We have rights, and we have needs. I have a right to leave school for example (NOT happening, I love my school and my program), and I have an emotional need to feel needed by other people. Whether that need gets satisfied or not is dependant on my environment and my actions. It is natural instinct for us to act on our own needs, though sometimes it is hard to achieve.
2) we are so interrelated, that we are more likely to ease people into openning up, and reflecting on themselves, by talking about our own processes.
3) Having said that, it is very hard to find the defineable line between what is talking about ourselves, and talking about other people. But it's there. We just have to look.
4) We can't make anyone do anything, and people can't make us do anything. We can be affected by other people, but what we do is based off of our current emotion and our emotional needs.
5)Our past is imperative to our present, and our present to our future. But our present is what is imperative to our relationships with anyone.
6) Having said that, we must give our past proper weight, and address it so that we may be able to move on from it.
7) We learn  what we need to, when we need to. Everybody learns different lessons at different rates. That doesn't make us slow, or stupid. It just a part of what identifies us as a different person made up by  a different past.
8)Once I learn a lesson, it is mine. It is so personal to me, and so priceless to me, that no one will understand it's weight or value but me, which will affect how I act in the future.
9) Nothing that we learn is a waste of time. Some lessons take longer to learn than others, but that just makes them more important to learn, because we will not gain our own satisfaction until we gain a better understanding of ourselves, of other people, or any situation.
10) And oh god, you gotta fight for what you want in life. You gotta think about how to fight for it, but don't think too much or the moment will pass in the blink of an eye. I have to stand up for myself. And I am doing that more and more each day.
If I think of anything to add, I'll edit .
But for now, this is what is good enough.

I really need to broaden my horizons; I often only post here when I am down or innebriated.
angst.
More explaining when not so fuzzy in brain.
angst.

Well if that isn't the most common question that all teens ask.
The answer is not going to come to me right away. But they are definitly coming a lot faster now that I am on my own. I would love to escape to my own flights of fancy and just go through the motions, blocking out the real world, and forget to interact and invest my focus and interest in what I'm doing, but what good would that do? At this point, I know I am very closed off. I am not sure whether I should give myself that time to take care of my own needs, or open up completely here (on a post not visible to the public obviously- I don't expect people to read it, but once again a question of how much I should open up or close off for myself.) Maybe though that's what I need- to take that time to recoup, because I have been openning up so much in class- as required- and need to take that time for myself. But this contradicts the points where I feel the need to be around people. Maybe I have just grown far too accustomed to closing off around people. I would actually feel more comfortable if people just ignored me sometimes. Just me and another person, aware of each other's presence, but ignoring each other- not out of any particular hatred or fear of each other, but just knowing that we are going about our own lives. So do I open up to no end here? I mean I trust everyone here. And we are all such a distance away it's not like it would demand anything of anyone- almost like shouting into a not-so- ongoing abyss. I want to go into detail about what's bothering me and what specific circumstances are causing me to dive into this constant diagnostic of my developmental problems, but I'm not too sure whether I want to be heard yet. And I fear being heard because I fear being told that my problems aren't valid, that I don't have a right to rant about them to anyone. Now I know I do have that right, it's just a matter of knowing who is safe to rant to, and how much I want to open up to other people.

I think I will take advantage of this at a later date. I need a more private abyss to shout into for now. Or at least, I think I do. Time to close off to take care of my own needs. When I am ready to open up, I'll do so. And I'll attach the actual situation to my own functional problems- though, I blame myself for far too much. Goes with the victim raising and frame of mind- something to be explained and explored at a later date.

It's great to be able to construct myself into the person I want to be here- to be so conscious of the change, and so in control of how and who I am. But as such there is a consequence- not openning up to the people I used to, not being so close to those I have been so close with- not necessarily out of distance, or spite, but out of self-protection. It hurts not to be able to talk to them about anything, but it is proactive to the hurt that has been caused in the past and can be caused again.My best friend from high school and I for example, have stopped talking to each other because of a major disagreement, which in the end is really stupid, but touches on a lot of deep feelings of which we cannot work on right now. This is a time where distance is important, where we have to be seperte to be safe. I suppose this is part of constructing my own niche in the world- which probably will never stop happenning as I hope to go many places and create and adapt to many different homes. It's just hard to risk cutting these strings to these people who I grew up with, care so much, and know so much about. How do you close yourself off from all that you have ever known without speculation, or feelings of rejection? It tends to be one of the unspoken things, the actions that lead to the fading out of one's life, one of the connectons to the missed friends that I never see anymore (I can't help but wonder if they came across this thought with me?), but to know that I have the power over this, and that it is something that I have to do for myself, is perhaps one of the most painful, and at the same time comforting realizations of all- This doesn't necessarily mean that I have to stop talking to them forever, but that I have to be on my guard at times, to prevent myself from getting hurt. It almost feels like a betrayal, both from me to them, and them to me, but we can't help who we are, and our emotional health is something which we must cherish and look after. After all, if I don't have my health, what the hell do I have?

I totally and completely get it now. You know those things where you get it intillectually, but you don't really 'get' it? you don't really feel it? I just figured it out. I really did.

I have been plagued all of my life with not feeling worth it, not feeling like I have done enough (I refer you to my previous post.) And this was caused by a combination of things, such as my mother's own insecurities as well as a lack of father figure in my life. And though I said that I was worth it, that I was enough, it was hard to feel like they were true- but holy fuck I get it! I mean, the only place that I really feel this is at home! I go to camp and there are tons of positive people to look up to, who make me feel like I have done enough, like i am worth it. I go to school and there are some great people to look to for advice, for help, for anything! I go home, and there are few to be found.

or are there? I haven't been looking in the right places. A long time ago I used to visit my dad on weekends. now my visits have been reduced to dinners, because we both have been busy with our lives, and have drifted apart. School doesn't exactly help much either. But lo and behold, I'm mourning for a lack in father figure that I can still stitch things up with. We can still do the stuff we used to do when I was a kid, like go to the movies, or have a movie night or go bowling or whatever. There is nothing that says we can't! Also, my counsellor is a great positive influence on my life.

As for the mother figures, I am not exactly worried. There are a lot of positive mother figures in my life whom I can look to.

I feel right. I feel like everything has clicked into place to actually allow myself to feel good, to feel worth it. I don't feel like I have to tell myself this anymore! I have my own faith in people of whom I can depend. I have found my own emotional net, and it feels great.

And thus, the pit in her stomach died, and she anticipated the future with open arms.
(HA! call me a dork or whatever for any of the crazy phrases I have used in this post I don't care! I feel great!)
(And no, I am not on any drugs or intoxicants of any kind XD)

Because I am worth it. Looking after myself is not a crime. It doesn't make me selfish or rude to say I'm uncomfortable talking about certain things with my parents. I do enough. I share enough with them. I have this right. I am not obligated to share parts of my life with them that  would rather keep to myself. I am my own person. I do enough for others, I care enough for others, I talk about enough with others, I am enough. I am not an interruption to anyone's life. And I will not be lonely for not openning up to those who can hurt me.

How dare you say I don't do enough.

....man, that song is great for cheering up bad moods.
Reminds me of our trips to the mall where everyone looks the same and everyone is pissing and moaning about the end of the world when it's totally not.
Also makes me laugh at my own whining.

That the next entry I make will not be done when I am innebriated.
goddamn I sound like an alcoholic.

I tried so hard over the holidays to work on myself as a person. I tried to get back to feeling confident, I tried to work things out with my  family, I tried to get over my new-found hyper-awareness, I tried a lot.
But ha, the jokes on you Torey, you should have known by now that it is through not trying that  these things will happen.
I just wanted to take care of myself and feel good.

I could piss and moan about how it's the world's fault for oppressing me, blah blah blah, but to which end am I going to learn from it then? Maybe I'm just pushing the learning process. It would be much more comfortable to blame the world instead, and then I could learn from it later. I'm on a tight schedule to learn this though, so says my acting classes. Or maybe that's all in my head. Fuck I need a break from my break. And lots of sleep.

I feel like all of the new lessons I'm being taught in life right now are questions, and I have to answer them, but I have nothing that I can answer it with because I don't know the formula.
wow, that parallels a play I read once.

People are so stupid sometimes I don't know how to relate to them. That just makes me feel out of place, and to put it plainly, like I don't count.I'm also starting to realize just how many people in my program do drugs. Maybe it's because they were so stuck in their heads. But I don't want to use it as a creative tool, because-well, I don't want to develop a dependancy on it. And my family has a history of doing that, and I don't know how I'd respond to it blah blah blah.

I feel isolated, like I can't be myself around anyone. I can't just  bear my soul and expect people to take all of me. But this confuses me because in our classes that is what we are supposed to do. So why the fuck isn't the class outside of class the same?
This is also the year that you find out who your true friends are outside of school.

For now, I give up. I want to be social, I throw myself out there loads.  I'm doing so too much. I'm going to start taking care of myself a lot more this year.

Alright, so last year I did this- well, not really. It was on msn spaces and it was more of a random post of joy, but hey- I'm gonna do it this year to. To engage myself in an identifying behaviour let's say.

As per my family's usual, we all got into a fight about ridiculous things that in the end don't matter, but they will always believe will because of a lack of self acceptance on their behalf. My response to the aftermath, is as follows:

Here's to self acceptance and preservation in the unselfish way. Here's to me being able to step back and say that I'm not selfish, and that I have and do do a fair amount for others. Here's for being proud of myself, and for being able to step back and acknowledge myself as an equal to others in a domestic society where few actually acknowledge themselves as individuals.

And hey, here's to hoping that I can differ from them, and stay that way.

Merry Christmas

I'm home.

nah nah-naaaaah-nah-WOO! nah-nah nah-nah...

bored.
bored bored.
bored bored bored.
bored bored bored bored.
bored bored bored bored bored.
bored bored bored bored bored bored.
bored bored bored bored bored bored bored.
bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored.
bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored.
bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored.
bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored.
bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored.
bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored.
bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored.
bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored.
bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored.
bored bored bored bored-
FUCK!
I CAN'T FUCKING STAND THIS FUCKING ZOMBO-COM SITE!
GODDMANIT JEREMY AND ROB ARE THE MOST BORING PEOPLE IN THE WORLD!
ACKLSKdgfksfngieshr kfgn sjvrehgnejrghfnv

BAHAHAHAHAHA I HAVE FINISHED MY FUCKING HISTORY PAPER!!!!!

...and 6 exams to go.

shit.

How much of myself do I want to share with friends? in blogs? in public? How much do I want to open up? How much is too much information? How much is too little? Why is it so hard to relax in public? Why are there so many defense mechanisms? Why do natural human beings with natural insecurities flock to the exclusive, who have so many more insecurities? There are so many questions right now, but I'm not stressed out by them today. I opened up in class more and so I've reached a little bit more relaxation in public, without going 'Here is my soul, take all of me right here right now.' . And let's face it: we are all afraid of the public eye. It felt like my process was slowed before, but the rate had never changed. I am just taking baby steps, and it's working. It shouldn't matter whether I see the results today, tomorrow, in a week or in a year. What matters is what I'm working towards I suppose.

This is Torey getting over her impatience XD
yaaaaay.

Torey's become an interweb whore. She now has facebook.

I really have to stop pulling all nighters for movement papers. My mind keeps getting raped by them.
I'm proud to say that I never pulled an all nighter for high school. Not in grade twelve, not for any essay or quiz. It just wasn't worth it. I'd say this measly 3% paper isn't worth it either, but the program says otherwise. A waver in a want to be here hails a 're-evaluation of our futures', expecially in first year. And there are multiple 3% papers for me to write. And I've already made one look horribly....horrible. Strangely enough that one got a C+, when it clearly merited a fail.
You know....I think my logic at 7am is sort of twisted.
People are starting to talk outside. I will eat their souls.
And Matty's very lazy. very very lazy.
I'm just happy that today, I have been deemed sick, and therefore cannot attend my classes.
Being sick isn't fun when you actually are sick.
Mind you, it's good when you are just getting better, because then you are more productive and feel better about it rather than writhing.
myes.

Today is a day of progress; Of getting back to where I was before I went home. To getting back to being social. I'm taking in the bigger picture, not being so focussed on my life, broadening my horizons

I think I can handle this social thing.

P.S. Audrey Hepburn is on my wall. She's absolutely beautiful.